In our daily Faithful Scholar’s posts and emails, it is wonderfully clear how much we love the sweetness of our children, awakening their wonder of learning, and homeschooling them toward a lives of brilliance. I read the honor and amazement of all that we get to do in a day. It tickles me to be a part of such an endeavor with our family, even with the difficult times, the anxious times, and the times of self-doubt!
What worries me is how we, as well stated by this mom below, in our most positive and well-intentioned manner and with all of the goodness that wells from within a homeschooling parent, we speak words that can slay a child’s confidence.
It is evident that these parents are doing a great job- and are loving doing it!
“We already finished second grade work even though, technically, we should be starting 1st grade if we were following the public school birthday schedule, but lately she has just shut down with her work. She used to love it so much and we keep telling her that she is so smart just like we always have. We don’t plan to put our daughter in public or private school, but what we were doing just is not working any more. I don’t want her to fall behind with the advanced learning she has already done.”
With elementary level children, they ‘play’ school until about age 7. If you are a fun playmate, they will gorge on lessons and advance, advance, advance for as long as you will play. In this, it is our experienced opinion that children are better to remain in their by age grade level until 10th or 11th grade. Plus, consider if you want your child to graduate early and move out at that time? Emotional maturity if of far greater value in the long run, so as long as that is there, early graduation is fine, but you cannot know this at such a young age.
This is NOT to say that you should teach her only at this level! Definitely teach her at her level. The reasons we encourage this are: Going forward easy breezy is smooth sailing when they are little, but often a wall is hit and then the child panics full of confusion over finally being discovered that she is not actually smart. She had just been lucky in her mind, and now the game is up. She is not longer able to pleases you, her beloved parents and holds within (self induced) mis-givings over why it had been so easy and fun to thrill mom/dad before and now the subject seems difficult.
A literal crisis of identity can occur. “Who am I if I’m not Dad and Mom’s smart little girl? How can mom/dad still be thrilled with me when I’m not smart?”
As parents we know that is not how we feel, and that we told them they were so smart to build up their confidence and let them know that we saw their brilliance. A child does not understand this, and these unspoken worries can eat a child up, cause them to freeze academically, turn away from enjoying learning, and, as you are experiencing, shut down. No matter what we say to counter our previous words, it cannot undo the damage. What has been said, the reactions they have seen, and conversations overheard stick in their heart’s memory as ultimate truth.
Don’t feel terrible if this is you because you have lots of company! Lots!! We see this on a regular basis and we see these families make corrections before crisis hits and move forward happily. Just change your message!
Apologize and let your child know that you mistakenly gave them credit that they did not deserve. Being smart is a gift from God. Change your message to be, “You are such a hard worker.” Each of us has full control over being or not being a hard worker. Ultimately, work ethic is what raises a person to the top or keeps them from raising. If ‘being smart’ and ‘hard work’ were arm wrestling, we know who would win. Every. Time.
So, stick to grade level, teach at academic level without acclaim or proclaim, tell you daughter what a ‘hard worker’ she is, avoid using terms like, ‘you are so smart’, ‘you are an artists’, etc., and expect that throughout her academic career she will zoom ahead and lag behind at any given time. Take today for what it is with gratitude, and approach tomorrow for what it will bring with hope. No need to label or proclaim.